Yet the darkness of these filthy streets
Is palpable.
How many men are skulking in the
shadows-
Peering through the smoke-filled
air,
To find pretty girls like us?
We are walking alone,
Veiling our fear.
Outnumbered by men,
Who are hungry for
The taste of our lips
And the smell of our hair.
Struggling to appear
Both strong and invisible
Casting cautious glances
For someone safe.
He looks at us curiously
Understanding our distress.
Only unfortunate girls come here,
Leaving in shame
High heels, make-up, and heavier
wallets
We too do not belong here.
Didn’t we pass this grimy
hamburger stand minutes ago?
The man gestures in the direction
we came from
He whispers good luck,
We retrace our steps.
Silence except for the fierce beating in our chests,
Adrenaline charging through our veins,
Creating an unexpected thrill
Which ends soon-
We have arrived at the bus
station.
This poem evokes a clear scene: the walk to a seedy and somewhat scary bus station. The speaker passes sketchy-looking men and prostitutes. The voice speaks in the "we"--speaking for a specific group, perhaps, but also for the fears women experience in the general in relation to sexual assault.
ReplyDeleteI admire the bravery of the poem--the emotions discussed are thematic and important and elevate the poem by giving it a political message.
I do think the poem could use some technical improvements. The ending is too neat and tidy, for my taste. It sums things up too easily, esp given the complexity of the topic. I also feel you should work on more ambitious descriptions and turns of phrase. Sometimes the writing here seems too easy. For example, this is flat and glib to me: "Silence except for our hearts pumping / Adrenaline filling our veins"
Nevertheless, this is a tightly written and evocative poem with a mature theme and some good images.
This is great. The varied line length added interest and keep me reading to the next line and added to the suspense and tension of the scene. I like how there's suspense and tension, but not a sense of doom and it ends in the safety the reader is rooting for, but also acknowledges that there's a certain thrill in the fear and a hesitance to have the adventure of it end. I think this twist adds a nice amount of nuance to the piece and keeps it from being one-dimensional.
ReplyDeleteHi Tzivya! This poem was very effective in creating the scene and capturing the emotions of walking somewhere alone in a sketchy neighborhood. I especially liked the line: struggling to appear/both strong and invisible, because those conflicting emotions accurately describe the whole experience!!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that confused me was the last line in the third to last stanza- it seems that maybe it should belong at the beginning of the next stanza.
Thanks Tali for your comments! I will definitely change the order of those stanzas in an updated post. :)
DeleteI really enjoyed reading a poem with such a relatable topic. I liked the image of the heels and fat wallets. I'm not sure that the question worked in this poem. I agree with Professor Miller that there were a few glib/cliche lines in the poem. Is there a way to show adrenaline rather than tell us? Can you show your arrival at the bus station without staing it? Can you give us a bit more of tel aviv in the poem as it is in the title?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, Rivka! I will try to "show not tell" in the lines you indicated. As for your comment about Tel Aviv, the title was only supposed to give context, but it was not supposed to the focus of the poem. I wanted the poem to be able to portray the general feelings of women walking through a shady neighborhood and fearing for their safety. Thanks for the critiques- they really help!!
DeleteI really enjoyed this poem!
ReplyDeleteIt captivated me from the first stanza and I was able to connect to the storyline pretty quickly, as can most other women. My heart was also racing throughout the entire reading of the poem as if I was there with the girls and was hoping they get home safely.
I like how you really showed the thoughts inside the girls head.
Also I agree with Rivka about the title. I think this could have been any dark night anywhere and if you could maybe include some Tel Aviv into the poem.
Though I will always love Tel Aviv, I can definitely relate to this poem. You captured the night time walk pretty perfectly! I think that at times I felt the more poetic feel more than at others. For instance, stanza 2 I feel is more poetic than stanza 4.. Maybe if these two lines, "We too do not belong here.
ReplyDeleteDidn’t we pass this grimy hamburger stand minutes ago?" were placed separately, it would give stanza 4 more of a connected feel. Otherwise, great poem!
This is a great poem and I think it perfectly describes what life is like walking around Tel Aviv at night. The whole time I was reading I was nervous for the speaker and I felt very relieved when they arrived at the bus station.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was very visual and I really enjoyed it. It does not only describe Tel Aviv but it describes how girls feel in general walking at night. It is very relatable and I think that is why I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteThis poem totally creates that palpable fear of a girl walking alone through the quiet streets at night. When I'm reading the poem I almost feel like a can hear the thump of the quick heartbeats (which you conveyed really nicely in the line "silence except for the sound of our hearts pumping) and the clack clack of fast steps to get home.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the "showing" instead of "telling!" I totally relate to the fear of walking alone and the emotions you describe are so accurate! I could imagine myself as the speaker and am empathetic to their fears. I was relieved when they arrived at the bus stop. It was a surprising twist-definitely a happy ending to a tense situation!
ReplyDelete