Father mowed the lawn on Sundays
He’d cast off his shirt and laugh
As shreds of grass landed on his eyebrows
Brother would chase the crazed machine
Imitating its spitting sounds.
Mother and I would squeeze fresh lemonade
To hydrate the boys
Smiling, she’d dance across the lawn
And gracefully settle the tray on a bench
Blowing the boys kisses.
Father says he is proud of brother
And brother will make a strong man
Like father.
Mother pats my head
And thanks me for my help.
Once I too tried to bring the lawnmower to life
It merely chortled at me and refused to move
Father had pity- and settled me on his lap
Sticky palms gripping the wheel,
Showing father that I can also be like him.
Lemonade forgot to appear on the bench
I saw mother peering through the window.
Father sometimes needs help in the garage
But only when brother isn’t there
I gallop at the idea of escaping the heat of the kitchen
I prefer even the dustiness of the garage.
I sew myself a pair of overalls,
And watch father and brother pounding with their tools
Maybe my turn to help is next?
But mother catches me wasting time and set me off to mix bread.
"Am I not strong enough to help them?" I ask
Mother shakes her head
Wondering why-
Why I need to be different.
hey sis.
ReplyDeleteyou had to base it on the picture?
I like the way you wove different themes into the poem. and i like your ending a lot- its personal and evocative and memorable!
Thanks Dina! I really had a great time writing this poem. And it was supposed to be based off a picture. I imagined the scene in my head first though before finding a picture to fit the poem's description.
DeleteThis poem has a great tempo and message. I like how this poem discusses gender roles with a very clear tangible example. This poem utilizes vivid words, especially verbs, like "spits," "chase," "imitate," "hydrate," "chortle," and "peer." You can really empathize with the author at the end. The poem does a great job describing a narrative in images. The part about the lemonade not being there-a missing image-actually is equally as strong as the I angles that are present because of its meaning in context. Great poem!
ReplyDeleteI love how this poem started off with sweet, simple images of family life, but ended with a deeper message of the expectations of a girl. I found it interesting that the speaker refers to everyone in her family as nameless- "Father", "Mother", "Brother"- it makes them seem more distant, as if anyone could be that young girl that longs to break through her traditional general role. I liked how the title of the poem served as a metaphor for the speaker wanting to be on the other side, "different" than regular girls. I also noticed that the father and brother "chase", imitate spitting sounds, and are regarded as strong, whereas the mother "dances", sets the lemonade down "gracefully", and blows kisses to the boys. Through these words, you did an incredible job of emulating masculinity and femininity. Really enjoyed this one! -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed how the poem begins with a "one big happy family" feel. You clearly portrayed the "roles" of each the family members and I certainly felt the rift then the daughter decided to break out of her's.. Good descriptions and interesting way of portraying them!
ReplyDeleteWow! I love this poem! Really good job. It made me very happy reading it. I didn't really see it coming at the end that the little girl felt "different" by helping out her father. It put a great picture in my mind and your descriptions of the scene in the poem were fantastic.
ReplyDeleteHi, great job! I really envisioned those Sundays, and was able to see the lawnmower driving down the lawn. The ending provided a deeper message and question that I was happily surprised to read. I think the way you did not say my mother or my father, and purposely chose to write mother and father was extremely effective. By doing this, I think that you make it easier to invite your readers to put themselves in your place, and give them a chance to relate to the way you feel at the end.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved when you personified the lemonade in the line-"Lemonade forgot to appear on the bench."
You were able to successfully bring in the question of gender roles or questions without explicitly doing so. Good job!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. At the beginning it is sweet but by the end I was questioning if the sister was actually happy when she was doing "what she was supposed to." From the image everything seems great but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. So cool that you showed that in the poem. One small critic is to use more "show not tell." For example, instead of saying that the father laughed, explain it. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteI love the way that this poem comments on people struggling to break out of stereotypes, but you don't do it in this obvious or in your face way that makes it an obvious. instead you have this endearing family picture that the reader is warmed by and then comes the message of wanting to break out of the accepted norm of the stereotypic roles in the family. i thought it was interesting that you chose a lawnmower as opposed to a picture of the men outside playing ball. Even though it wasn't what i expected, thinking about it i like the lawnmower better, it just works better with the suburban picture thats being painted. This poem really just makes me smile-thank you and excellent job!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of elaborating on the idiom of the grass being greener on the other side through an actual scene involving mowing the lawn. I think that you were really able to paint a picture of this scene and I could really see it. I would suggest that you pare down the title, I think that because the saying is so widely known and you really evoke the feeling of the grass being greener on the other side throughout the poem, you might want to make the title simply "The Grass is Always Greener" or even simply "Always Greener" and let the reader connect the dots and do the work themselves. I was also thrown by your use of Mother, Father, Brother, because it felt unnatural to me. I think mostly someone calls their parents mom and dad, rather than the more formal Mother and Father and most people refer to their siblings by their first names. Perhaps adding "my" mother/father/brother to it or giving them names/calling them what someone would actually call them to make it sound more natural?
ReplyDeleteI like these ideas. Your title idea is excellent.
DeleteThanks for your comments "Pretty Poet!" I will definitely take the title idea into consideration. I am curious as to why using "mother, father, and brother" bother you. It might make the poem have a more old-fashioned twist and a more "removed" feeling, but that was what I going for. The poem was supposed to focus on speaker's feelings of feminism, which may not have been common in her society, while also not emphasizing the familial ties, and instead emphasizing what her relationship with her family means in the bigger picture. I hope this clarifies my intentions, but please feel free to elaborate on why you still feel otherwise.
DeleteThis poem is fantastic! I could easily picture what I read. " As shreds of grass landed on his eyebrows." This happens in life but no one really pays attention to such a small detail. By adding this the speaker really helps envision the scene. The idea behind the poem about breaking free from stereotypes is clearly shown. The title of the poem is perfect.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I too really like this poem. It's a little flat, but it's consistent and so we don't notice so much its simplicity and occasionally prosy lines. It does, as others have suggested above, paint an easily seen picture. I really like the image of the sweaty hands on the wheel of the rider-mower. I actually have fond childhood memories of learning to use the ride mower with my father, so I can personally relate to this touching and sweet poem.
ReplyDeleteThe end, as others have mentioned above, alludes to frustration with gender roles. I think this is awesome, but I also think it is abandoned just a little too quickly. I would like to see one (or a few) more lines to really bring the idea of gender roles into focus. A stronger ending--but with the same focus--could help transform this from a merely good poem to an excellent one.
I liked Avi's comments above about trimming the title. You might also be able to trim some clutter words in the lines that follow. I would look for places to make small edits and add a little to the ending. Nice poem!
Thanks for your comments, Professor Miller!
ReplyDeleteAs per your suggestions, I changed the title and created a new updated version with new changes to the text as well. I added a few more lines to elaborate on the gender roles. I am just curious by what you mean by "trim[ming] some clutter words" - which words did you have in mind? Thanks so much!