He passed
away when I was eight,
Wretched from
me, before either of us were ready.
His only moment
of disloyalty,
His escape
from this world without kissing me goodbye.
Wretched from
us, before we were ready,
Would the
time ever have been right?
Yet, he escaped
this world without waving goodbye,
An
unforgivable sin for a child in second grade.
The time
would never be right,
But leaving
before he could teach me how to win at checkers,
An
unforgivable sin for a child in second grade.
A sin for
any child of any age.
Leaving me
before he could teach me checkers,
Before he
could tease me during my frizzy hair and acne stage,
A child of
any age
Needs that
honesty of her grandpa.
Before he
could tease me for my braces and nerdy boyfriend,
Before I
could understand why his jokes were “inappropriate,”
The blunt honesty
of my grandpa-
He was otherwise
known as the crazy bald man with a great sense of humor.
I never got
to understand why his jokes were inappropriate,
For all I knew, all grandpas fell down stairs just to make me laugh.
For all I knew, all grandpas fell down stairs just to make me laugh.
Everyone knew him as that crazy bald man with that great sense of humor.
That's what made us all love him.
For all I knew, all grandpas played hide and seek with their grandchildren,
But now I know better-
That man, yes, we all loved him
But now I know better-
That man, yes, we all loved him
Was as crazy (in a good way) as can be.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/114349226/playing-checkers-grandfather
*This is a pantoum-style poem, with the pattern of the refrains, but the author chose not to use rhyme.
I really liked this Poem. It is a relatable message that anyone who lost someone at a young age can understand. I know I can. You can really feel the emotion of the speaker and it feels so genuine. My suggestion would be that it feels like the line “Did I mention that we love him?” doesn’t really fit with the rest of that stanza. I think it is understood from the rest of the lines that you did love him. Overall you did a great job executing the Pantoum!
ReplyDeleteI love how you chose to write a pantoum-style poem without rhymes, as it melds fixed form with free form. I really like the specific imagery in the poem, such as "frizzy hair and acne stage" and "braces and nerdy boyfriend." I think these lines helped move the narrative of the poem forward, as it points to things that the grandpa never got to experience with the speaker. I find the last line of the poem to be particularly powerful- "leaving me before I could understand what I was losing." I'm not sure that the questions- "would the time ever be right?" and "did I mention that we love him?" fit in so well with the rest of the poem- maybe consider changing them to statements instead of questions- ex: "the time would never be right." Great job Tzivya!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this unrhymed pantoum, though I did think the rhymes might help this particular poem, since it is such a sweet and affirmative piece. You did a fine job capturing the complex feelings many experience upon losing a loved one.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a bit let down that the poem abandons the entire pantoum form in the final stanza, where you chose not to repeat lines two and four from the previous stanza. Sometimes breaking the rules can be expressive and meaningful, but I couldn't sense a reason for it here. It seemed like you either forgot or didn't want to try or something.
I would like to see you fix this up so it is closer to a pantoum. Maybe making it rhyme is too much at this point, but it should probably at least follow through on the basic premise of the form. Don't get me wrong, the poem is touching--but formally as a work of art, the ending seems off.
Some little things:
Line two: I believe you mean "wrenched" instead of "retched." To retch is to vomit.
Also the grammar in this section seems off: "I never got to understand why his jokes were inappropriate, / But whether he was known as Izzy, Dad, or, Zaidy."
I love the way this poem explores the two different sides of loss. On the one hand you depict the resentful feelings, the thoughts of unfairness of a loved one being taken away from you too soon, but on the other hand you also delve into the sweet memories that you have of your time with him. I usually appreciate rhyming in a poem but I really don't think that its missing in this poem because all of your stanzas are really strong without the rhyming brining it together. I think the line "Did I mention that we love him" is extraneous because its so clear that you loved him by the way you describe your feelings after his passing in the first stanzas. It also puts an award ending to the stanza that its in. Really nice poem, great job!
ReplyDelete